missing you all!

ladies and gentlejulian,

i am drunk and sitting in the music library at amherst right now. i just had dinner and wine at fresh side with steve and then he realized that he had to go to glee club and then he did and then i realized that i can't get into his dorm without his key card, so here i am, wishing i could just go home to chapman, where i belong. but oh well...

so...i've been living in northampton workinfg at fitzwilly's which is okay, except one of the managers is a huge moody bitch. so now i only work there on weekends and i got a job at barnes and noble which is really cool and pleasant except it pays very very little. grrr...

so anyway, i live in a house with 5 other people. they are really cool. a few of you have met most of them. i am becoming pretty good friends with this girl molly. we are both wannabe singers who are talented, but shy and get down on ourselves sometimes, so we have been doing kareoke a lot and trying to push each other to be confident and open. i have my mind set on moving on to open mics pretty soon, but writing a good song is fucking hard. there are only so many ways to talk about love and pain and happiness and all the shit that people feel. and it's so hard not to be corny and unoriginal. but i am going to keep trying until i write some good shit.

i went home this weekend for my mom's birthday. i had a good time. i really miss my family. i am in the valley of decision right now. i don't what to do at the end of may. i mean, i don't think i want to stay in northampton once steve and dan are gone, not unless i get a real job here, something that allows me to more than barely scrape by, and that is meaningful and enjoyable in some way. i don't like to be isolated. i need hugs and stuff. steve is going to be in boston. i could live with him there, but i don't know if i want to. i kinda dig the whole young lovers thing, not sure i am ready for virtual marriage. i know we could make it work, but do i/ we want that? a part of me really does want that, thinks that would be a dream come true, but another part of me is thinking, you just got your own head together like 5 minutes ago. are you ready for a real adult life partner type thing, where you say shit like "we" go to bed around midnight, and "we" can't make it on wednesday? you know what i mean? i am sure you do. ideally we would all live in chapman, and all of our boys would live in tents in the backyard and come in from time to time for sex or cuddling or massages or to get rid of bugs...but alas, this is real life and so real decisions have to be made. but it's all good. carmella comes to the valley on may 16th and she's sleeping in my bed!! jealous bitches? you should be. love you all!! cait and sam and carmsy, sorry i have been so bad at responding to your emails. i will be better. expect mail from me soon!