I just have a lot of feelings...

So, it is 5:24 in the morning and I cannot sleep at all. There is just too much going on in my head. Maybe if I get it all out I'll be able to sleep.

Dear Diary,

I am finally done with Amherst College! I expected to be ecstatic, and while I do have moments of extreme happiness, mostly I still feel sort of numb, like I don't believe it, like I could wake up from this dream at any moment. And, now that it's over, there's no fixing it. There's no getting it together in the end, finishing on an upnote. It's just done. It feels like a crash landing. I am so happy I made it, but I wish so bad that I could have done it better...or not done it at all.

The current plan is to move to Northampton, and get a job. I already have an apartment and now I need money. I really need MONEY!!! I am broke as shit and so is my family. Going to a liberal arts college and majoring in Religion was a brilliant idea on my part. And why didn't anyone try to talk me out of it? Not sure. Anyway, I came up with Northampton because it's familiar, but not too familiar, cheaper than New York, a good place for a non driver, it's a musical town, Steve is still at Amherst, this is not a real sentence.

Anyway, life is going to be different. I never lived without my family or my close friends under the same roof. I don't know what it is to be alone. I'm not really going to be alone. I am sharing an apartment with these four people in their late 20s- I think grad students and musicians- cool people, very messy though. But if I ate out of the Zu kitchen, I can eat anywhere I guess. But anway, it will be a step toward independence, something I have grown to lack.

Home, as always, has been rough and nice at the same time. My parent's constant bickering - I can't stand it, and then my mother wonders why I don't want to live at home. And then there's my brother. He's got diabetes, and a lame ass job that doesn't give him health insurance because he's not working full time. He can't get medicaid because he makes too much, and he can't pay for his medication because he makes too little. So he's fucking broke and depressed. And then there's my niece. I love this girl more than life itself. She's 10 now, in her last year of elementary school, and it's so obvious that she is just not ready for middle school. She's got serious issues that her ignorant parents refuse to recongnize. She doesn't eat. This is not a new problem. She never has, but now I realize that she isn't growing out of this starvation phase, and she is skinny as all hell and also extremely shy and insecure and just really emotionally immature. The girl needs therapy or at least parents who are able to see that she isn't quite normal and are willing to put some extra time and energy and research into dealing with her. They love her and all. They're just DUMB! I am so worried she's going to get her little ass beat in NY public middle school. Either that or she'll be ignored.

Anyway, the point of all of this is to say that since I have been home I have realized that there isn't much left of the happy family I once new. I mean, we're still funny people who love each other and laugh a lot, but underneath that layer there is this kind of constant tension in the air, like a dark cloud just hanging over us all day and night. I hate it. I feel like I am the only one around here who can see things as they are, and who wants to fix things. I want to save everyone, I want to medn this family but I can't. I am not in a position to fix anything. I need to fix myself, which is why I am ruinning away to Northampton.

I am so excitied about the prospect of receiving a pay check, buying and cooking my own food, simply things that grown ups do. 2010 is going to be a year of healing and growing for me. I need it. And then maybe I can be of service to others- my family, my friends, the community- let's go crazy- the WORLD! All I plan to do right now though is work, sleep, eat, exercise, meditate, play guitar, sing, and be drunk and dancing every chance I get. Maybe I'll go to the occasional yoga class or get a massage once in a while. I want to make new friends and hang out with the old friends, and just do fun shit all the time. I am so sick of being sad. I can't do it anymore. I refuse to. Expect to see me in Boston and New Haven next semester...Oh, I'm sorry, I mean in the next few months. Semesters are for students.

I love you! Let's see if I can sleep now.